My 2015: Broken and Stronger

This was a horrible year for me, but I have had worse. Nothing can beat those years of struggles with finding yourself in teenage, and that too, alone. At least, this time I had the courage to fight the odds, no matter how big or crucial, as well as, friends.

The year began in a very lazy manner, with countless strikes from political parties till March. The studies became slow, so I passed most of the time just watching movies and eating a lot of junk food. Also, had some friends’ birthdays and cultural festivals within that timeline. Life was so easy, so cheerful.

Then came the big blow in April, the month of finals. But finals was not what worried me, my mom’s health condition did. She was infected and the infection spread throughout her body. Within only 5 days, mom went from being perfectly healthy to … dead. After her death, a number of unexpected challenges came in my way throughout the year.

First, there were annoying relatives, many of who just PRETENDED to mourn, but that pretense wasn’t good enough to buy me. After dealing with them, I had to face the finals which were just 2 days away. I had a hard time focusing on studies and the conversations about my mom, going on among relatives just a few inches away from me, didn’t help. I managed to pass all the exams I attended and didn’t show up for 2 of them. I felt bad letting my grades go down that much but, wasn’t really something I could help.

Then came the ‘phase’, where you’re supposed to get over the tragedy and move forward in life. I actually couldn’t believe she’s dead for the first whole month. I kept my mind busy with other stuff like movies, facebook and what not. But that didn’t help in the end. After all, “you can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality”.

I should have taken a break for the next semester, summer 2015, but for some reason, I felt I was strong enough to take the pressure and heal myself at the same time (which was one of the most stupid  decisions I have ever made in life). Then the semester started and I began to break down. The subjects got harder, the faculties got worse and something very repulsive was revealed about one of my closest friends. I cried every night before any quiz or exam. There is obviously a psychological explanation behind it, but I just couldn’t help it. I knew no way of escaping any of these. So I just tried to pass the subjects and take a break the next semester.

In Fall 2015, I stayed home almost all the time and went to my grandma’s house occasionally. I hoped things to get better but in reality, they were just getting worse. I realized no one really knows how to make me happy or how to take care of me except mom. Since she’s not there anymore, I have to do that myself. I have to make sure I am not breaking down or failing in life. I always knew I was strong, but this time I had to push the limits of my strength even further.

My brother came back to our house from grandma’s house, where he had been for the whole summer ’15. I had to give him time, look after his studies and make him snacks. I also had to learn how to make some common Bangla dishes, because our maid left us. I have never cared for anyone except me. So all these was new, very new to me, and very difficult. I have never been someone who puts others’ needs before mine. Now, I had to. There was no other way.

Slowly, I began to pull myself together. I tried to learn new programming languages and started studying for a makeup final I was supposed to give in December. I tried doing freelancing, although it has done me no good yet. But I am not giving up. I’ll try harder to fix my life, to make it what it was supposed to be before all these mishaps. It will be difficult, but not impossible.

I don’t expect 2016 to be a magical year where all my problems will be solved just like that, but I do hope that this year becomes the year when I learn to overcome the fights within me.