Picking Myself Up

Whatever I know about life, about world, was not taught to me by anyone, not even the family members. I learnt it, all by myself. I had to. So, my knowledge about these people and society are limited. I don’t know about these stuffs as well as others. So I tend to come across as someone very dumb in most cases. Someone who doesn’t know how to handle typical situations, or sometimes, one who can’t even READ the situation. People stare at me with great despair for that, they frown at me consistently. I can hear it in their silent petty laughs, I can see it in their expressions from the corner of my eyes. But the thing is, no one except God truly knows what I have gone through, what I STILL go through every day. And I know anyone living a normal life cannot understand the extremity of it but, all the occurrences of my life broke me constantly. All that I have left of me is my true raw unadulterated self and that makes most people around me very uncomfortable. Because they are all used to seeing others with their perfectly crafted, civil, social masks. Anyone who roams around without any disguise or veil, shakes them to the core. “Why is she like this? Why does she talk like that? Doesn’t she know any manners? That’s not how anyone should talk to the authorities.” Not ONCE did I feel that I’m doing something wrong or saying something wrong, each time I was told any of these. Through all these judgment and scrutiny of people, I had to pick up all my shattered pieces each and every time, and get back up. There was no one, ever, to even KNOW that I have been torn apart today, let alone help. I always cried, shivered and assessed those remarks alone.

So no matter what the world thinks of me now, how the people surrounding me look at me now, I DENY to convert myself to THEM. All those wars I had to fight all alone, all those struggles which left no physical trace but scarred me mentally for life, will NOT go in vain. I will fight till the day I die, to preserve my one true self, no matter how many more battle it takes.