Just three days ago I truly felt like I have my life in control now. I have been reading a book called “the power of habit” which has been exceedingly helpful to re-do my life. I pointed out the discrepancies of my daily routine and habits long ago. It was always clear to me that these are the roots of my bad temper, anxiety and all such struggles I’d been facing every day.
So I made a list of microhabits in particular sequence which I planned to follow every single morning. According to the book, doing so for a month will eventually turn this routine into automation. That means, my brain (specifically the basal ganglia part at the back of my head which is responsible for habit formation) will perform all those listed actions in that exact sequence automatically. I won’t have to consciously do any of them.
Preparing the list and following them – both started last week, and I was doing pretty well! I cleared and cleaned my bed, organized my study table and transformed it into a workstation! My room was finally how I needed it to be for raising my productivity levels. (Few of my “best” friends mocked it though, which made me feel like shit and ashamed)
I also got enough work both at office and in freelancing to keep me busy throughout the weekend. Although I didn’t reach my peak productivity for some unpredictable emotional struggles, I still did pretty well and hit my life makeover goals with about 70% accuracy.
But then, things started to fall apart during the weekend. I can’t get into the details but there were some issues with my extended family and then with my own. The future of a very close one (and one of the very very few people I love) seemed to be in huge danger. I tried to console myself but ended up crying the whole day. The struggles within yourself are the hardest I tell you!
Then the following two days were full of surprising and unnecessary debates on social media. That didn’t bother me so much in the end because the future of that loved one is still in danger. I have to figure out a plan or at least a blueprint by the end of this week. Otherwise, shit will go down.
For some reason, I have grown a detachment with God as well. I don’t feel okay sharing things with him anymore. I feel like He’ll not take them seriously either, just like others.
Oh, Women’s Day passed too, making me feel shit to be a woman in this country for the 100th time. I looked up all reported rape cases within this month, and it’s already 10! Let’s rejoice the progress!
… what even am I living… life? Or an endless series of tests?
Oh Sama, that IS what life means. You naïve idiot 
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