Insecurity and arrogance live side by side inside me. It’s one or the other. Very rarely, do I get to generate a balance between the two. Very rarely, I get to enjoy a truly peaceful mind. I have always been a very complicated person. It’s like, I am a riddle to myself. New things about myself come to light every day and take me off-guard.
All these official interviews I’m attending, are letting me discover new boundaries of myself. I get nervous breakdowns in the middle of something very simple. I don’t know why I have that problem, or where is it rooted in. I can assume it comes from the horrible way my parents, specially my father, handled me at my lows. He didn’t really notice that I am going through any emotional trouble. My confidence has always been low, regardless of my technical standings in any area. That’s because my family always taught me that I am not capable enough to handle the world. They always told me I can’t talk to people properly, I am abnormal, I always have my own opinion against theirs etc. Whenever I tried to voice my thoughts or showcase my opinion about something, I was yelled at. And that had led me to think that whatever I say, doesn’t have any value in the real world; whatever I think, should dwell inside my mind forever.
Gradually after getting into university, I started to discover this unadulterated braveness I have inside me. I started speaking my mind no matter the consequences, but only to a limited number of people. But their reaction taught me that I should do it more often and with a broader network. So I started talking to more people and telling them everything honestly without holding anything back. I realized I hate stereotypes and everyone who follows them. Many people dislike me for that, but the ones who did appreciate that unmasked side of me, love me till today regardless of what I do in life. That, in itself, is a huge and rare blessing.
I keep falling almost every day, but then that forces me to dig deep and find out the hole where my confidence is leaking. And thus, I get to be the mechanic of my own soul and mental health. Also, believing in God has helped a lot. I always feel like He’s offering me guidance no matter where I go and what I do. Whenever I feel stuck, I always turn to Him for some hint to the next path. And so far, He has always led me to the right one, Al’hamdulillah.
Now after all these struggle, I believe every human should find their own unique light, no matter how long the search takes or how tiresome it is. If you cloak your original self with the superficial (and often rather regressive) standards of society, the world will have the misfortune of never knowing YOU. May be you could be a powerful voice or a legendary revolution, only if you held on to your own eccentric soul.
Don’t let go of yourself. Don’t give in. Fight, till your light shines all over the world. If not the world, at least some people.
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