It’s been a while since I felt so trapped, and cursed. There is pressure from every possible direction, and no one is seeing me getting crushed by it.
There is the pressure of earning enough or ensuring a secure future professionally. And I don’t earn enough to ensure my freedom from this hell. And I can’t work hard enough BECAUSE this hell takes up all my energy and whatever spirit I have left of me.
The “best friends” don’t have the time to listen to me either because they have transitioned to a “normal” life or because they never understood me in the first place. All the masks are coming off, all the walls are getting thicker. I wish there was a single sufferer like me in this world who I could talk to.
Right now, there is no one who would listen to me unless I pay them or something (like a therapist).
Still An Unloved Child…
I have been living with a verbally abusive father since the age of 9. That’s when I first noticed him being unaware of the pain he’s causing me and acting like someone superior. Since then, he has shouted at the entire family forever, and it increased even further after my mom’s death.
It somehow doesn’t affect my brother possibly because this is the only parent he has ever known. He doesn’t remember much of mom. But I do. Because she was the only one who acted like a parent with me.
This guy, screams at us for the smallest things if they are not done EXACTLY like he wanted. And then he also shouts at us if we don’t do something on our own. So we get shouted at if we do something on our own (and it doesn’t follow the specifications he had in mind, which he never uttered), or if we don’t do it on our own (which suddenly looks irresponsible to him).
He takes all the help he needs from me, and then shouts at me for cooking “too much” of something , when he never specified the amount in the first place. And keeps calling me “crazy”, “idiot”, and different versions of those two.
This has never ended in 20 years, and it won’t either.
I asked for salvation SO MANY TIMES from God. He doesn’t do ANYTHING!!!! He keeps me here for NO reason…. I can’t even kill myself cause it’ll take me straight to hell. And then when I try to tell people, they either laugh at me like I am crazy, or ignore it altogether.
I can’t afford therapy…. so I can only write tiny occasional statuses on Facebook and write on this blog sometimes. That’s all the freedom of expression I get, aside from crying inside my locked room for hours, for days.
Controlled by Insanity…
I wanted this year to end well for me. I didn’t anticipate GRE happening on 13th December, or the shitshow that I’ll have to endure around my brother’s birthday.
The exam went horribly, and I went to my grandma’s house thinking it will be an escape from all the stress at home.
How wrong I was…
That entire family is controlled by the most psychotic and unkind member. Everyone else just bows down to her like she’s God or something. She keeps hurting people left and right every single day, and everyone chooses to ignore it and give her more power to do the same the next day!!
So, no wonder I felt even more trapped and cursed at that place. Coming from there to this house, with the shouting father, I can’t find a single space where I can fully exhale.
God has been seeing me tolerating this circus for over two decades, getting permanently damaged by it, and He still doesn’t save me or take me. Why??!!
Only Alien in The Family…
I tried to tell a few people in my paternal bloodline about my father’s issues, and they shut me down in less than a second. Because they truly believe I am hysterical and not worth listening to. They only like me when I laugh and make jokes, like a clown. As soon as I start getting real and sharing something negative, they start defending my father and stop my words from flowing any further.
They pretend to be conservative but couldn’t shut up about my hijab when I started wearing it. I don’t understand what world they live in where freedom to wear anything and a ban on hijab exist simultaneously.
In my mother’s bloodline, almost everyone is highly conservative and everyone pretends to have a perfect loving family. They would love to hate my father, but as a daughter, and as someone who supports free-thinking, I can’t open up to them about any of it.
I feel like an alien on either side – no one is like me, no one understands me, no one thinks like me, and everyone prefers to pretend rather than being honest which makes my skin crawl. They all make my cage even smaller than it already is.
I have been preparing this year to apply to multiple universities abroad, just to get out of this hell. I have seen people less competent than me get admitted to versities in developed countries, sometimes by money, sometimes by luck. I have neither.
This month, I submitted one application and a crucial referee still hasn’t submitted his LoR (Letter of Recommendation). The deadline closes soon and I am terrified.
I can’t even write the SOP in this mental state where EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is adamant to keep me stuck here, right at the bottom, for God Knows how long.
If this doesn’t work out, I have to answer to so many horrifying questions and smirking faces, including my father’s, and other toxic members of my fucking family….
I am terrified.
Can’t even kill myself.
Pray for me. Either for a chance abroad, or for death. Just do it please.